The Best Books of the Year: "This Is How It Always Is" by Laurie Frankel

Seira Wilson on December 07, 2017

This-is-how.jpgWhen we read Laurie Frankel's novel, This is How It Always Is back in January, we knew it was Best of material.  In the months since then, much has happened in our world, our society, and the transgender community has never been more in the spotlight. Fast forward to our Best Books of 2017 discussion and This Is How It Always Is  came up as a Top 20 read for us, from the first conversation to the last.

This Is How It Always Is explores the unconditional love of family and how we, as parents, find ourselves faced with situations for which we are wholly unprepared.  In this case, raising a transgender child. There is so much that is universal here--the desire to protect our children, help them live happy lives, the line between privacy and secrecy, and how society defines it's members.  Frankel has a transgender child, but she chose to write a novel instead of nonfiction--here's what she told us about that decision.

*see here for more of the Best Books of 2017

What everyone keeps asking me is this:

Why did you write a novel instead of a memoir?

Which is a perfectly fair question — my novel is about a family with a transgender child, and my own child is also a transgender child — but writing a memoir never even crossed my mind.

For one thing, my life is pretty boring. I am grateful to be able to make up all sorts of harrowing, horrible, improbable twists and turns. And I am even more grateful not to have to go through any of them myself.

For another, I’m a novelist. I believe that novels are the truest books of all. The fact that we make them up doesn’t make them less true. Being limited to telling only what actually happened, not being allowed to make things up because it makes a better, truer story, seems uncomfortably constraining and unnecessarily restrictive to me. Like pantyhose.

But mostly, it’s a metaphor. My novel is not about my kid but all our kids, not about my experience as a parent but the experience of parenting. Most kids aren’t transgender, but most kids face challenges their parents aren’t expecting or prepared for or certain how to make better. Most kids fit in in some ways and deviate in others. Most parents are occasionally sure about what they’re doing but much more often just guessing, crossing fingers, and hoping hard for the best. Families are complicated. Secrets are complicated. Love should be simple, but love is pretty complicated. That’s what this novel is about.

That said, all novels, however fantastical, are at least a little bit based on their author’s life, and some certainly have more overlap than others. Some of the research for this novel was definitely obviated by my lived experience. But the opposite was also true: I learned a lot about my life from writing this book. There were bits my editor didn’t follow that it hadn’t occurred to me to explain because I was too close, not to the story but to the situation. There were chapters my agent complained were too farfetched to believe, but they were things that had actually happened to me and my family. It’s true that, particulars aside, there’s so much about parenting that’s the same for everyone. It’s also true — and I realized it again and again writing this book — that some particulars are particular indeed.

For my kid’s part, she’s delighted to have a book written even in small part about her. She feels she is very important and fascinating. She can’t imagine why, in fact, I’d write a book about anything else. She’s also proud of being transgender and sees already, though she’s still little, why her story is an important one to share. I don’t know where her story’s headed, but I hope it has less drama and heartache than the novel does. On the other hand, I hope the family in the novel and their unconditional, battled-for love prove to be as close to memoir for her as possible. You know, in case she ever decides to write a memoir.

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